Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Randomize
