question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
