Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
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Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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