obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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