Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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