I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit