apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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