i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
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The panties match.
I'll be right there.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
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My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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