from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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