life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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