Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Let's paint friendship bongs
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
