My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
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sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
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I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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