my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
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