shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
