there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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