My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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