Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
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The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
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I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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