I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
