If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
