Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
