You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
