I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
