Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
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Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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