i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
