How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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