Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Is it penis luge time yet?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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