Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
