His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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