you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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