remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever