theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?