that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
