My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
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Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
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Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us