his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.