Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong