I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize
