Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
the day after is always just damage control
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
