She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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