I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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