My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
