now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
My liver just had a heart attack.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
