Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
