I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Randomize
