i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
