I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times