There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
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he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
I told him it was alright.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
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We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word