Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again