Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
