The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
