I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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