I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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