im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
