I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
