based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine